The World Cup starts soon, and traditionally, that means it's time for people who wouldn't dream of watching soccer in odd-numbered years to pull their kits from the very back of the closet and tell you all about America's Sport of the Future. But this year, there is no joy in Mudville: The United States failed to qualify from their geographic region in an embarrassing surrender, the first World Cup that the USA has missed since 1986.

That's no excuse to go sulking in your room and miss the party the world is throwing. 

With the USA out and even some traditional "heritage/studied-abroad-there" favorites like Ireland, Italy, and Holland failing to qualify, many of you may find yourself adrift, but it's easy enough to find the shore again. Nationalities aren't much more than a costume, and I bet if we put out heads together, we can come up with a new suit for you to wear that'll really bring your eyes out. The secret lies in considering the situation of your favorite team in American pro sports and seeing what lines up. Here are suggestions, based on some Texas favorites:

Dallas Cowboys - Brazil

The Cowboys, owing to a long and proud history, are still considered a flagship franchise–despite the last twenty years being dark times that featured exactly two playoff victories. If you have gotten used to treating your teams with a combination of pity and reverence befitting a dying monarch, then Brazil should keep that feeling going. They have not won the World Cup since 2002, have not won the Copa America since 2007, failed to even qualify for the most recent Confederations Cup, but are still the first nation anyone mentions when international soccer gets brought up. Does anyone know how to say "count the rings" in Portuguese?

San Antonio Spurs - Iceland

Since only one of the big four leagues put a team in San Antonio, Spurs fans often sound monomaniacal and feel somewhat isolated. This makes them an almost exact fit for Iceland, the tiny nation of abandoned Vikings that made it to their first World Cup through an extreme investment in youth infrastructure. 1 in every 300 Icelandic citizens is a soccer coach at some level. Iceland made a surprise run to the quarterfinals in the 2016 Euro, and they are admired for the technically sound players they have produced. Acolytes of Tim Duncan will be relieved to learn that "technically sound" is Euro-speak for "good fundamentals."

Houston Astros - France

The defending World Series champions were, quite recently, wretched in a way that seemed to be permanently staining, with three straight seasons of 100 or more losses from 2011 to 2013. Nothing cleans a stain quite like a trophy, though. France went through a truly calamitous transition of their own in the 2008 Euro and 2010 WC, but they enter 2018 as the odds-on favorites with a squad that is young and stacked at every position. Baseball fans accustomed to prospect watching will truly get a rise out of watching Kylian Mbappe, 19, and Ousmane Dembele, 21, make their major tournament debuts.

Houston Rockets - Portugal

Over the last six years, Rockets fans have become adept at making excuses for their big bearded boy James Harden, justifying his mastery of the dark art of drawing fouls by exaggerating contact. Nothing in their approach will have to change for them to root for Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal, except instead of cheering a man who looks like he is speaking intently about the radio signals in his fillings outside of the Lewisville A-Train stop, they will be cheering the most handsome man on earth.

Houston Texans - Egypt

The Texans are a defensive-minded team out of necessity rather than out of deep-seated philosophy.  Often, they resemble one actual player, JJ Watt, and twenty-one spectators. Egypt, under their outrageously cautious manager Hector Cuper, will be defensive-minded to an extreme. They will have as many as nine outfield players in defensive positions. But that tenth, Mo Salah, is a team by himself. Provided he has fully recovered from his injury, of course. Hey, another JJ Watt parallel!

FC Dallas/Houston Dynamo - Colombia

These are not real teams. The MLS is a mass delusion perpetuated by the same people who told you to believe in Freddy Adu. But if you insist on living deluded, as many people do in this fallen world, I recommend you root for Colombia. Both Houston and FC Dallas are coached by Colombian nationals, and since crowds at MLS games are so sparse that your individual voice can be singled out by the people on the pitch, you may as well earn some brownie points.

Dallas Stars - Denmark

I'll admit that hockey isn't my bag, but I did the necessary research and learned that the Stars won the Stanley Cup in 1999. I can't imagine a stranger believing me when I say that, just as I can already tell that you won't believe me when I say that Denmark won the 1992 Euro. But they did, so if you like your championships to be esoteric, trade in those green and black jerseys for the red and white of Danish Dynamite this summer.

Texas Rangers - Mexico

Sports is a naturally uniting and integrative institution. Baseball was integrated ten years before the buses in Selma, and a year and a half before the United States Army. It makes it something of a cosmic joke that it's assumed that the political profile of the generic sports fan is that of a conservative. And it is funny, in the dark way that nearly everything about the current political moment is funny, that there are people in Arlington who wear their red hat all day and then wear a slightly different shade of red at the ballpark as they cheer a team made up of 48% foreign-born players hailing from Venezuela, South Korea, the Dominican Republic, and even Curacao.

It's a joke that anyone conservative likes anything as welcoming as baseball, but you get to decide if I'm laughing at you or not. Your first step in no longer being the punchline of our age is to be a good neighbor and root for Mexico, our brothers in CONCACAF, who, like the Rangers, are not a threat to win in the later stages, but are not embarrassing. The presence of El Kaiser, Rafa Marquez, means you can even keep those “Bartolo Colon is so old” jokes in circulation.

Dallas Mavericks - Argentina

I want to level with you, one Maverick fan to another, friend. When they won it all in 2011, I wasn't prepared. I had given up hope. I was certain the window had closed and that we had let down Dirk Nowitzki, the greatest player in Mavericks history, and he would go forever with a black mark next to his name. When it happened, I celebrated in true Denton style, in a now-defunct bar that was trying to skirt by without an actual liquor license. Argentina made it to the final in 2014 where they lost to an inevitable German team and followed that up with two more disappointing finals losses in the 2015 and 2016 Copa America.

It looks from the outside like the window is about to snap shut on Leonel Messi's fingers. Possibly the greatest player of this generation, Messi has a club career full of honors, but has never won an international tournament. He retired from international play in frustration after the 2016 Copa America, but soon returned to the fold. This might be his last chance at glory on this stage. I've chased the high of 2011 up alleys and down bottles, and I think I've figured it out: it's the sudden granting of a wish given up on, like finding a lost pet. This may be your best chance at that for a long, long time.

Kit Wren can be contacted on his Facebook page, Kit Talks Sports.

Header image photographed by Fauzan Saari courtesy of Unsplash
Header image layout designed by Mateo Granados