Lol. In Denton we're oh so familiar with out-of-touch Dallas publications writing a poorly thought out assessment of Denton. Remember when the Dallas Observer gave unsolicited advice on fixing our music scene? 

Well, Central Track thought it would be amusing to write a diatribe against functioning cities that have to live close to their sea of pretentiousness. It's called "Dallas Lamest Suburbs, Ranked by Their Lameness." They don't seem to know the word lame is an ableist term, but they sure are disappointed we haven't been able to get the county to remove the racist statue on the Square. Here are the top ten reasons not to give a shit about their article.

10. You don’t even go here

Look, we get it. It’s a slow news day and it’s been awhile (maybe 2 days) since you’ve griped about something. Consider maybe reporting on Dallas and not another city 60 miles north that your suburban sprawl happened to bump into after tripping over Lake Lewisville. Which brings us to our next point.

9. We don’t have a chip on our shoulder 

You're a global city. You don't need to fight anyone on this. You barely make the list, but you’re on the list. When you do stuff like make a list ranking suburbs by their lameness, your insecurities really pop out and that world famous chip on your shoulder becomes really obvious. This isn't a playground. We're sorry that Houston beat you at little league baseball, but there's no need to take it out on the third graders playing hopscotch. 

8. Dallas is in no position to call people out on social issues. 

It doesn't take a genius furiously coming up with late night listicles to figure out that Dallas is in dire need of help in this department. Your city is clearly segregated and divided race by one highway (I-30) and class by the next (US-75). While you may have enough resources (see #10) to where blowing a few city employee's worth of salary on confederate statues isn’t much of a fiscal point of contention (congrats, by the way, we're working on it), you guys are collectively doing your hardest to price out whatever vestiges of color you have north of 30 back down south of it, much to the chagrin of your already stressed out public education system that had to decentralize magnets and distribute them among low performing schools to fudge its numbers. It is this hidden systemic racism beneath the thin veneer of faux-cosmopolitanism that gave birth to people like Richard Spencer, so let's not get on any high horses here. We all have stuff to work on. We just don’t lord it over you.

7. 1/10th the size of the population, 1:1 on music scene 

Even with the recent loss of some of our music venues and festivals, we manage to put Dallas's on its tiptoes with the amount of talent we produce as a side hustle. When it comes to music, we punch well above our weight and we don’t need to pay $20 to see Ishi for the 30th time at Trees, RBC, or Dada when we can see Claire Morales at Harvest House for free with hundreds more musicians coming in each semester to enjoy our DIY scene and contribute to our music. Half the musicians in Dallas didn't even know y’all existed until y’all paid to go to a networking event in SXSW.

6. We actually have a DIY scene 

DIY isn’t dead in Dallas, but we heard your fire marshals are working around the clock to shut down the next event before it's even planned. Feel free to come on up in case y’all forgot what DIY shows are like. 

5. Your urban planning sucks

Holy hell, have y'all had a walk around Dallas lately? That's right. You can't. You can't ride a bike, you can't walk, and you can barely use public transportation without getting stabbed. Your definition of "urban living" is paying $2,500 for a one bedroom apartment so you can walk to a bar, otherwise, you're screwed and have to find ever-dwindling parking. Your bike trails are mostly used by people who see it as a form of exercise while wearing spandex and paying $3,000 for a bike they'll use once a month, or by a flood of rental bikes by people who use them for Instagram content or to throw into a river for the shits and giggles (way to love your city, you guys). We can at least take pride in knowing that we can feasibly bike from one end of the city to another, with residents who know how to respect cyclists and vice-versa. 

4. We're actually friendly. 

No, seriously. People talk to each other on the street here. When Jupiter House burnt down, we got together to help them back on their feet. We can walk the streets at night. We are told good-bye, welcome, and happy birthday every day by big orange trucks and we don't care if they're an eyesore because they're OUR eyesore. We have a dipshit walking around seeking attention with flat earth regalia on their car, and we don't shove him in a locker. Our farmer's market is filled with people who actually know each other and aren't just hawking MLM candles and dresses. It's always shocked me how many people come up to Denton and are restless at night because they haven't heard a police siren in weeks. We're seriously nice. 

3. There's little, if anything, to envy about Dallas. 

Bars? We can get trashed for 1/5th the price. Music? We've got the same scene, just that sometimes we have to sit in god-awful traffic on your side of I-35 to see a major national act, but we're working on it. Food? Sorry y’all, we've got plenty of choices. If we have to leave Denton for work, it isn't even to Dallas-it's to Frisco, Addison, or Las Colinas, which by the way, we've heard y’all have to as well. Just about anything that people do in Dallas we can do in Denton for cheaper and with way less pretentiousness. 

2. KUZU > KXT radio

It may have slipped your memory, but #kxtfail was a leading local hashtag until people accepted that was the norm. Central Track editor and co-founder Pete Freedman even freely used it. KXT isn’t bad, but their best show is run by Dentonite Paul Slavens. Otherwise, listeners tune into KXT hoping to hear that one David Bowie or Tom Petty song they like, and if it’s not on then they’ll switch back to their aux cord. Meanwhile, KUZU's programming full-heartedly embraces weirdness without venturing beyond accessibility. Tune into a program hosted by one of KUZU's music-obsessed producers, few of which even had previous radio experience (when you love the scene you go all out), and you might find you had no idea that an hour of Indian music is exactly what you wanted. 

1. Your staff was trained in Denton

We know you miss us. You wanted to rekindle that love/hate relationship with Denton, so you checked into your 'I hate everything' psyche and wanted to feel like you did all those nights you spent talking shit about Denton hipsters. You were one of us, but now you're not. We're still proud of you for taking what you've learned from our community and our colleges to spread our influence in Dallas, Austin and beyond. The best people fit to make fun of Denton, are those of us still living in Denton.

Additional contributions to this article were made by Nick Fields
Header image by Christopher Rodgers and Nick Fields