Aries: Alright, we get it. It’s gonna be Aries season for a few more weeks. Live it up, because that band idea you have still sucks. The stars said so, right there. Yeah, yeah, Mercury’s in retrograde IN ARIES, so, like, it’ll be a good month. Or a really bad one. Don’t forget to pay your bills while you’re reveling in your own success or whatever.

Taurus: Sweet Taurus. Things are looking up; on May 15th, Uranus will enter Taurushahahahahah okay, we’ll stop laughing. Taurus will enter Uranus? That one’s not even correct, but it’s funnier. Uranus is a liberator (HA!), so during this transit, some changes might be coming, depending on what house Uranus is in. Anus. Call your mom and stop listening to only The Black Panther soundtrack.

Gemini: What’s up, twins! That person you’re crushing on? Yeah, they haven’t listened to that playlist you made them yet, even though they said they looooooved it. On April 24th, Venus will enter Gemini, so either you’ll get laid or your long-term partner will break up with you. We haven’t really gotten down what does what yet. Make a new playlist for yourself and cut your bangs while sobbing in a lavender bubble bath. Trust us.

Cancer: Even if you put Spotify on a “private session,” the stars know how much Britney Spears you listen to. And we’re here to tell you: don’t be ashamed! The princess of pop released some bangers; her discography bangs. Britney’s like, a total Pisces, right? Just kidding: she’s a Sagittarius. Cancer, you know you’re a bad bitch. You don’t need to play “You Want a Piece of Me” seventeen times in a row to remind yourself of that. Go to Glitterbomb next week, Thursday night at Andy's.

Leo: We talked to the signs and that secret dream of being a DJ probably isn’t going to work out. Stop looking at Facebook Marketplace for cheap setups. Go to trade school. Literally none of the planets are in Leo right now, so maybe just go hibernate. Listen to dramatic movie soundtracks and do five Hail Mary’s.

Virgo: First of all, the fact that your sign symbol is the virgin will never not be funny. Also, the stars say that your LP collection definitely needs to be organized and revamped. Maybe go to IKEA and get one of those bookcases that Pinterest says you can hack? While you’re at it, throw away your Crosley. No self-respecting audiophile uses those. Have some self-respect and use that money you were saving up for a tattoo for a goddamn Audio-Technica.

Libra: Ah, Libra. Yes, we have heard the new Weeknd release. No, it is not as good as you think it is. Sorry. Please stop impulsively buying merch and concert tickets, your roommates would like you to pay rent. There’s so much free music in Denton, maybe just go to an open mic for once. Killer's has a good one every Tuesday. No planets are in Virgo right now so you’re probably feeling lost and without direction but no amount of concert experiences will fix that. Sincerely, astrology.

Scorpio: What’s up Scorpio! Everyone’s favorite sign! Ha, just kidding - I had my fingers crossed as I typed that. Jupiter is in retrograde IN SCORPIO, and Jupiter is by far the biggest planet, so big things are happening. That idea you have for an EP is great. Take charge and get your band practice twice a week. Pay a local photography a decent wage and get your band’s album art taken care of. If you don’t do this by July 10th, when Jupiter goes station direct, your band will break up and someone will throw away a USB of all your songs.

Sagittarius: Hey, did you know Britney Spears is a Sagittarius? Oh, you did? Cool. Congrats on having the hardest astrological sign to spell. Treat yourself this week: to a new pedalboard, a year subscription of Spotify Premium, maybe a few lessons on that bass guitar you’ve owned for months but never picked up. Music is a skill and an investment! Have fun, lil’ Sag. That’s your name now since I can’t be bothered to type it out. Don’t shave your head this week.

Capricorn: Why do astrological names get longer as they go on? It’s like someone got reverse lazy when coming up with these names. Saturn is currently in Capricorn, which adds a sense of restriction and self-discipline to your life. Time to set a practice schedule for yourself or get real about reading all those biographies you own and yet haven’t read. Also, no more binge-drinking.

Aquarius: Your ruling planet is Uranus. Maybe try something new in the bed this week? Haha, just kidding–that’s for Vix Vickson’s column. However, maybe you could try spicing up your music this week? That same playlist from freshman year of high school is getting tired. Go listen to Spotify’s Discover Weekly and expand your horizons; maybe a playlist of Denton music?

Pisces: Neptune and Chiron are both currently in Pisces, which is a…good thing? Chiron is a comet, so I don’t even know why it’s an astrology thing. Chiron, however, is the planet of healing; dress your wounds with a little music therapy this week – time to recharge and rebalance after a good Pisces season. Get a friend who knows what they’re talking about to recommend you some good classical music.

Header image by Holden Foster